What’s next for me?
Where’s life leading me?
When will I ever experience more joy than depression, more peace than anxiety?
These questions are in constant rotation in my mind; daily. And I don’t wonder these things because my life is so bad. I may have been away from blogging and officially writing anything for more than a year, but it’s not because things have been altogether unbearable. To utter any complaint would be ungrateful compared to the nightmares many awaken to every day. In fact, to suggest waking from sleep they’re lucky to get, for some, might bring them to tears. Basic needs are taken for granted by many of us every day. This, I have learned to keep in the forefront of my mind, even when questions like the above resonate.
I find myself in such a familiar strange place. I don’t know this place; but I know everything about this place. There’s something constantly leading me along an often ominous path. I’m moving; yes, but I am certain nothing good is ahead. But, also, I don’t believe in such a fate because something else within urges me to believe in an expected end of good things. I find myself living a constant juxtaposition. Moving; in what direction am I going, though?
And perhaps that’s the power that Life is trying so desperately to teach me to unlock: flexible, fluid, penetrable mobility. Perhaps this phenomenon is what leads us (back) into our highest states of self, our center. Is this what true presence and consciousness is? Could this unlock and reveal — dare I even propose — the God(s) within us, calling us to listen to self? Maybe there is more significance to the sensation of going in circles that’s less about repetition and failure. Maybe this cycle is our consciousness ever-expanding, doing so with fixtures of familiarity and comfort; however, picking up new intel with each cycle.
If so, I just might be able to reconcile where I am (with all my questions and all that I’m dealing with in my personal life) with what I’m experiencing, which then manifest in my mind, body, and spirit. Maybe the end game is simply to be realized, to become a whole, centered, perfect person. John Locke, in An Essay Concerning Human Understanding, offers that an individual’s personal identity is limited to her/his consciousness. And though Locke’s theory, especially as it pertains to memory, has been debated for centuries by his contemporaries and modern philosophers, his concept speaks to me in the very place I find myself today (Perry, 2008).
Where I am right now: a place where I relentlessly journey towards a more centered, happier, whole self. This is significant in considering Locke’s idea of personal identity because it informs me that in order to achieve centeredness, happiness, and wholeness, I must expand my consciousness. However, it’s also a place that often circles me back to cause me to pay more attention to things, lessons, and/or people I may have overlooked, undervalued, and/or misunderstood before. And if I get too distracted by the thought of having been “here” before, I lose sight of how the maze itself is actually designed for me to win, in order for me to attain oneness with my highest state of self. It’s working for my good! I just have to be present and aware.
So, maybe the end game is to escape, if you will, the actual game. To master yourself in a way your mind, body, and spirit align. All of these routes that makeup the maze are steady driving you to a deeper understanding of self, allowing you flexible mobility; access to who you are from different perspectives and access points. The end game is realizing the journey is custom made for you, and not just for you to play, but to win!
Let’s continue to journey together.
Locke, John. “An Essay Concerning Human Understanding.” Perry, John. Personal Identity. Berkeley: University of California Press, 2008. 33-52.
Perry, John. “Personal Identity, Memory, and the Problem of Circularity.” Perry, John. Personal Identity. Berkeley: University of California Press, 2008. 136-155.